Tuesday, February 14, 2017

My Sanctuary

     The woods were her sanctuary. Fallen trees, broken branches, dead leaves. This is where she felt something and someone there finally understood what she carried inside, for it resembled her very being. The ravens flew overhead cawing their disdain of her invasion there, mimicking what she felt for so long others indeed thought of her; you're not one of us, you are unlovable, unworthy, you hold no beauty we care to see. You are not wanted here!!
      You see, she was never one to keep her feelings or opinions to herself. She spoke with honesty, truth and candor. She voiced her concerns often of the wrong doings of others and even finding faults where at times there never should have been. It was those voices that kept echoing in her head, "you know they hate you. you know you're annoying right. you know they really can't stand to be around you. you complain too much. you are a downer. you are ugly, in every sense of the word, body, mind and soul. YOU ARE UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE!!
      She had reached the pinnacle where in an awakened state, life no longer was bearable. Most around her knew not of the pain she kept throwing in the ravines running through her veins, hoping that with the tears that flowed like rivulets caressing her silken cheeks, it would take with them the scorching guilt and memories that had started to unearth themselves at a high rate of speed with no shoulder to pull over onto to just try to breath.
      The undertaker was here to take her soul and that's just what he continued to do, day and night, one into another, taking her completely under. She sought solitude in means she never thought she'd would have ever stooped too. It only added to the weight being shoveled into her consciousness and even  unconsciousness state. The voices, like a continuous dripping faucet, reminding her of  how unworthy a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend she really was. It mattered not what those around her threw to try to capture her from the slimy, acrid, sinking pit, she couldn't grasp the words or meaning. She almost craved at times to just touch bottom. At least than, there would be an end.
      She often argued with herself that had she been born "beautiful", the world would have welcomed her opinions. They would have welcomed her honesty, in fact even embraced it.  They would have sat for hours on end listening to her stories mesmerized by her sultry beauty and tone of her lyrical voice. She would have never had to shed a single tear and if she had cried. someone would surely have been there to wipe the droplets from the fringes of her lashes.
     Instead, she lived with umpteen reasons of rejections. She didn't deserve better, she got just what she deserved and than more. Desertion, hatred, names that tore to the very core, assorted abuse, heartache, mental, verbal, and physical pain. Thirty six years of marriage had come down to this.... she was finally ready to walk away.                                                                                                                                                                        But not from it, but from the woman she had become! However, God had another plan.