It's been awhile... I hate time...I'm terrified of the moments!! I sit here somewhat frozen, fingers agitated wanting to fly over the key board and spill what my inner spirit is feeling. Yet the voice, which I've come to despise, cautions me to hold back, and keeps putting barrels of orange and white distractions into my brain. I've ALWAYS spoken my mind! Who is this intruder? GET OUT OF MY WAY.... the door feels like there is a force behind it that keeps me from escaping. I'm pushing my weight into the obstructions and they won't budge! I bang my head against the surface, hang my head, give in, and cry. Then the rushing sound of defeat starts coming at me like a tidal wave. It has such a wicked laugh, I hate it's ugly face!!! Than I prepare myself for the plummeting jabs of memories from the past. My breath quickens and I try to gain control... this can not be happening again... grasp, grasp, dig, hold on SLAM!!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HEAR MY CRY!!!
Wracked, shaken, gasping, utterly exhausted.... just like that, it's over. Just like it came, out of no where!! The welcome breeze, the birds comforting babbles, the soft fur from my Copper baby, brushing along side, the tongue lapping the tears, the eyes so forlorn asking, "are you alright? Do you want me to stay near? You know it scares me to see you like this." I'm sorry I'm not stronger, I'm sorry I once again let it defeat me, I'm sorry I'm just not my usual self.
This is what I've come to expect. This is a mind out of control. This is my battle that must be fought daily. This is PTSD. But this will not defeat me, this will not define me, this will not win!! The Fog of it is pretty dense right now, will not allow me to see very far in the distance, but my prayer is the sun/son makes its appearance soon and burns off the desolate droplets that hang heavy in the air. Burns the memories to non existences, frees my soul to live a life of joy and happiness once and for all, instead of bits and pieces.
So judge if you must, if that helps you get by, if it helps you feel bigger. Criticize me for exposing too much of my problems. However this time, it means little to me. This time I know I'm here to help reach many who live with this fear. I'm here to expose the lies of the enemy. I'm here to hold your hand and we'll fight this together. If you're not here to support, just move along, say nothing, it's not needed. If you live this, reach out, don't stay silent at the insistence of other's who just don't want to be bothered. Don't allow them to belittle you or make you feel worthless or wrong. Life, is indeed, meant to be lived, it's just some of us haven't been given that clear vision. Obstructions came into our lives uninvited and trying to tear us down. But this does not define us!! We're just gaining warrior status. We're in the fight of our lives just like with other diseases. Just because you don't see the outward appearance of our sickness doesn't mean we aren't fighting for our lives.
The mind is strong, of that do not be mistaken, but the heart of a fighter is stronger and the soul is determined to live and survive. I'll get there!! I'll live louder than that that tries to defeat me!! I can and I will overcome.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
You see, she was never one to keep her feelings or opinions to herself. She spoke with honesty, truth and candor. She voiced her concerns often of the wrong doings of others and even finding faults where at times there never should have been. It was those voices that kept echoing in her head, "you know they hate you. you know you're annoying right. you know they really can't stand to be around you. you complain too much. you are a downer. you are ugly, in every sense of the word, body, mind and soul. YOU ARE UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE!!
She had reached the pinnacle where in an awakened state, life no longer was bearable. Most around her knew not of the pain she kept throwing in the ravines running through her veins, hoping that with the tears that flowed like rivulets caressing her silken cheeks, it would take with them the scorching guilt and memories that had started to unearth themselves at a high rate of speed with no shoulder to pull over onto to just try to breath.
The undertaker was here to take her soul and that's just what he continued to do, day and night, one into another, taking her completely under. She sought solitude in means she never thought she'd would have ever stooped too. It only added to the weight being shoveled into her consciousness and even unconsciousness state. The voices, like a continuous dripping faucet, reminding her of how unworthy a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend she really was. It mattered not what those around her threw to try to capture her from the slimy, acrid, sinking pit, she couldn't grasp the words or meaning. She almost craved at times to just touch bottom. At least than, there would be an end.
She often argued with herself that had she been born "beautiful", the world would have welcomed her opinions. They would have welcomed her honesty, in fact even embraced it. They would have sat for hours on end listening to her stories mesmerized by her sultry beauty and tone of her lyrical voice. She would have never had to shed a single tear and if she had cried. someone would surely have been there to wipe the droplets from the fringes of her lashes.
Instead, she lived with umpteen reasons of rejections. She didn't deserve better, she got just what she deserved and than more. Desertion, hatred, names that tore to the very core, assorted abuse, heartache, mental, verbal, and physical pain. Thirty six years of marriage had come down to this.... she was finally ready to walk away. But not from it, but from the woman she had become! However, God had another plan.