It's been awhile... I hate time...I'm terrified of the moments!! I sit here somewhat frozen, fingers agitated wanting to fly over the key board and spill what my inner spirit is feeling. Yet the voice, which I've come to despise, cautions me to hold back, and keeps putting barrels of orange and white distractions into my brain. I've ALWAYS spoken my mind! Who is this intruder? GET OUT OF MY WAY.... the door feels like there is a force behind it that keeps me from escaping. I'm pushing my weight into the obstructions and they won't budge! I bang my head against the surface, hang my head, give in, and cry. Then the rushing sound of defeat starts coming at me like a tidal wave. It has such a wicked laugh, I hate it's ugly face!!! Than I prepare myself for the plummeting jabs of memories from the past. My breath quickens and I try to gain control... this can not be happening again... grasp, grasp, dig, hold on SLAM!!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HEAR MY CRY!!!
Wracked, shaken, gasping, utterly exhausted.... just like that, it's over. Just like it came, out of no where!! The welcome breeze, the birds comforting babbles, the soft fur from my Copper baby, brushing along side, the tongue lapping the tears, the eyes so forlorn asking, "are you alright? Do you want me to stay near? You know it scares me to see you like this." I'm sorry I'm not stronger, I'm sorry I once again let it defeat me, I'm sorry I'm just not my usual self.
This is what I've come to expect. This is a mind out of control. This is my battle that must be fought daily. This is PTSD. But this will not defeat me, this will not define me, this will not win!! The Fog of it is pretty dense right now, will not allow me to see very far in the distance, but my prayer is the sun/son makes its appearance soon and burns off the desolate droplets that hang heavy in the air. Burns the memories to non existences, frees my soul to live a life of joy and happiness once and for all, instead of bits and pieces.
So judge if you must, if that helps you get by, if it helps you feel bigger. Criticize me for exposing too much of my problems. However this time, it means little to me. This time I know I'm here to help reach many who live with this fear. I'm here to expose the lies of the enemy. I'm here to hold your hand and we'll fight this together. If you're not here to support, just move along, say nothing, it's not needed. If you live this, reach out, don't stay silent at the insistence of other's who just don't want to be bothered. Don't allow them to belittle you or make you feel worthless or wrong. Life, is indeed, meant to be lived, it's just some of us haven't been given that clear vision. Obstructions came into our lives uninvited and trying to tear us down. But this does not define us!! We're just gaining warrior status. We're in the fight of our lives just like with other diseases. Just because you don't see the outward appearance of our sickness doesn't mean we aren't fighting for our lives.
The mind is strong, of that do not be mistaken, but the heart of a fighter is stronger and the soul is determined to live and survive. I'll get there!! I'll live louder than that that tries to defeat me!! I can and I will overcome.
