It is sometimes difficult to pin down the source of intimidation. I had a VERY critical spirit about myself, comparing my looks, intelligence, talents... life in general with others and found myself wanting in many areas of my life. In a sense I was an "internal intimidator", with an ever changing cape, with a huge 'I' symbol in bold red, and outfit get up that was ripped and torn in so many places. I set about trying to "save" others while being totally out of control and causing much damage to my own self. I only felt strong when I donned "the cape"!!
Truth is, I set about seeking my own path the moment I learned to crawl. And ever since that moment, I set out with my own set of goals, making my own plans, referring to the "blueprint" I designed instead of the "boldprint" of God's design. I overlooked the very thing that could set me on a path toward spiritual fulfillment. I was "sheepish" when it came to seeking, hearing and acting on God's vision for my life. (Baaaaa d pun I know). The careers I tried to follow, friendships made, family units, schools I attended, churches I tried to make my "home", obligations I felt I needed to make, life in general took center stage. I set instead down the path of making a living as a "wholesome" wife and mother, creating a "house" but not a home, a family that looked good from the porch steps and outward, but suffered greatly behind the closed, cold steel, brightly colored door.
Shoved aside was the God created me. I instead buried my wants, dreams and talents in the back of my heart and minds closet. Perhaps I had heard too many "discouraging words", perhaps I thought others "knew" me more than I knew myself. Old "injuries" and debris being dumped and pressed tightly like a garbage truck on pick up day. Than anger started to make itself extremely comfortable in my "inner house", which set off a powder keg of emotions; discouragement, fear, resentment, fury, rage, irritation, being offended easily.
The "new and unimproved" me set about fueled by flare ups, fumed over the littlest change, rolled eyes or smirk. I fretted like a hypochondriacs parrot, repeating the same ole hurt or offense I could react to. At times I would storm about breathing fire on anyone willing to "fan the flame". My blood boiled and hissed like a pressure cooker and took it's time cooling down but never falling to the completely cold inner core that was forming deep down inside. Even the outer me took on one of an orey-eyed monster, red faced, flaming tongue, wildly fisting anyone who came near.
*taken from my journal 2 years ago: Wounds have left a hole in my heart. Some of the wounds are old and they make me angry. Some of the wounds are fresh and I'm hurt. Part of me is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of me wants to cry, and part of me wants to fight. The tears I cry are hot because they are coming from my heart, and there a fire lies burning. It is the fire of anger! It's blazing! It's consuming! The flames leap sometimes steaming up a pot of revenge!
I must make a decision: "Do I put the fire out or heat it up more? Do I get over it or should I get even? Do I release it or do I resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let my hurts turn into hate?" But does it or has it ever done any good? Has the resentment ever brought me any relief or peace? Does it or will it grant me any joy?
I think... No, I know, it's time to allow the hole in my heart to heal.
So for today, let me leave you with this, forth which the Holy Spirit guided; "Serving people for the sake of their gratitude is a guaranteed formula for disappointment. Someone will expect too much from you and accuse you of letting them down. The focus must not be on serving others or on being served. The focus must be on Jesus. We do not serve men; we serve God. Have no expectations of men. Look to Christ alone for gratitude. he will reward you for serving other; In fact, He is the reward. So ask yourself often, "are you serving others for the praise you will receive, or for the pure pleasure of serving Christ?"